I’m not very good at waiting to talk to someone about something I think is important. While lying in bed trying to go to sleep, I often play out how I believe the conversation might go. Not sure if I’m imagining it or if it’s considered dreaming, but the outcome feels real. In the end, though, it’s like playing chess by yourself—very one-sided no matter how you try to be fair. Your opponent never has a chance of winning and must eventually bow to your superior intellect. To lose a fight with yourself would be very sad.
I am at the point in my life where I feel, once again, that I am allowing everyone around me to weigh in on my life. That’s not a terrible thing; at least they feel comfortable enough to really tell me what they believe to be true. Listening to the same set of points from numerous people makes me wonder how I can justify going against them all. Some would say my behavior was reckless, abandoning the obvious to pursue the impossible through obsessive impulsiveness. Ultimately, what do I really want?
This cycle of pressure is what made me run away from my friends and family. How can it be that I’m back to the breaking point again? Is this time any different? Can I just pick up and not look back? Maybe I should check on Polly before packing the bags and getting that bus ticket to nowhere special.
“Hey, can we talk?” I asked, walking down the stairs. Polly was cleaning up the toy pile in the living room, and I began helping instinctively.
We both plopped down on the floor when the task was tackled. “You done writing for the night?” she asked, fixing her hair.
“I’ve been on the phone with Alison. She’s coming home tomorrow.” I ran my fingers through the carpet and sighed. “It’s time to choose,” I said, trying not to look at her.
“That’s pretty dramatic.”
“I’d rather run again.”
She punched my arm playfully. “Do what you’ve got to do.”
I laughed. “Would you miss me?”
“I have come to really appreciate you being around again.” She stood up. “I won’t be the reason this time if you leave. That, my brother, is your own decision.”
I looked up at her. “Doesn’t feel like it.”
“Am I pushing you away?”
“No.”
She went into the kitchen and returned with two cold cans of soda. “Then who?” she said, handing me one after sitting again. She opened hers slowly; I did the same. “Boil it all down for me.”
I took a sip and relaxed. “I want to move past this back and forth with Alison.”
“You’ll have to be more specific if you want me to understand.” She guzzled down a fair bit of her drink, barely stifling the bubbles.
“Everyone thinks I’m crazy to keep trying to have a real relationship with Alison.”
“Can I share a story?”
“I came to you. The floor is all yours.” I took a small sip and smiled.
“When I was going to get married, we planned it all in six weeks. Our parents and his parents had to get together to discuss it. Mom and Dad thought it was a bad idea since we were so young. Turns out they were the same age we were. Everyone wanted us to delay it. Some were so bold as to ask if I was pregnant, trying to tie the knot before I started to show. After digging in our heels, we went ahead with our plans.”
“You didn’t care what they had to say, right?”
“We cared deeply. We just came to our own conclusion since we were the only ones that knew all the facts.”
“They were only trying to help.”
She laughed. “You know all the facts.”
“I don’t think I do.”
“What changed?”
“There is a guy from her past that is a new unknown. She said she is going to handle it when she returns tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’s going to get herself hurt.” I tapped my can on the floor. “She doesn’t want to talk about it, which is something I can’t stand.”
“You like to talk about and through problems. She doesn’t. Correct?”
“Yeah.” I stood up and drained my soda, reaching out for her empty can. “It drives me nuts.” After recycling both, I returned with two fresh ones. I handed her one and sat down again. A synchronized can opening led to us laughing out loud. “We are so totally opposite.”
“That’s not a bad thing. It’s actually pretty realistic. You’ve got to focus on what you have in common, what draws you together. The other stuff will work itself out through the course of the relationship.”
I held up my can. “To my wise sister,” I said, and we banged sodas.
“That being said”—she took a drink—“I really can’t stand her.”
“I know. Most people have a real hard time with Alison. Strong, independent women are seldom understood or appreciated.” I took a sip to hide my grin.
“She’s just so opinionated and sure of herself.”
“Are you jealous because you’re not as pretty as her?”
Polly rolled her eyes and made a goofy face. “Seriously, what are you planning for tomorrow?”
“Well, I’m hanging out with Wren in the morning and will wait for Alison to call when she’s ready to hang out with me. Like I said, she’s got something planned, but I’m not sure how it all works into when I’ll see her.”
“You haven’t seen Wren since they got rid of her, have you?”
“No, I’m pretty excited. She’s taking a job on this coast, which means I might see her again more often.”
“Still friends, right?”
“She would have it no other way,” I said, smiling. I stood and stretched. “Now that I’ve downed two sodas, I should be able to sleep like a baby.” I looked at the can and then at my sister. “Thanks to both of you for being there for me.”
She stood up and hugged me tight. “You are in the best place to make decisions for yourself. Make them good ones.”
“You’re hugging a little too tight,” I admitted. “Kind of hard to breathe okay.”
She pulled away and wiped her eyes. “Shut up. I can do what I want,” she said, disappearing into the kitchen after snatching my empty soda can. “Go to bed. You’ll need your rest.”
I fell into bed and stared at my ceiling fan in the near pitch black. Round and round it went as I keep thinking about how I wanted people to remember me. When my life was over, what kind of legacy would I leave? Oh, caffeine, you make me think so deeply and soulfully. Somewhere during the night, I was sure I would have some prophetic dream telling me what to do to make the rest of my existence meaningful and fulfilling. In the end, I woke up with a wet spot on my pillow from sleeping with my mouth open. Well, I guess it’s up to me then to seize the day.
“What’s the plan?”Wren asked when she called around eleven.
“Are you coming to my house to pick me up so we can go out somewhere?”
“Sure. Do you already have a place in mind?”
I thought about it. “No, how about you? You’ve been away for a while. Got a favorite you want to revisit?”
“Let’s park downtown and walk around. There’s plenty of shops and places to eat.”
“That sounds great. Do you know how to get to me?”
“I have your address in my contacts, and I’ve got GPS on my phone. Should not be a problem. I’ll be there in about half an hour.”
Wren stopped in and hung out with my family for a while before we decided to get on the road. She was great with the kids, and it showed me a side of her that I hadn’t seen before.
“Are you ready?” I asked when it was almost one. “It’ll be dinner time before long.”
“It was really good to meet you, Polly,” Wren said as she waved to the kids. “Your brother is lucky to have you.”
“He knows it,” Polly said, giving her a friendly hug. “Have a good time. Do you think you’ll be around for dinner?”
I looked at Wren and shrugged. “I’ll call you if that’s going to happen.”
We left and got in the car. “You’ve got a great little starter family there.”
“I know.” I smiled, thinking about how happy they make me. “I’ve got to say you are really good with kids.”
She looked at me and stared. “I’m no breeder. I’d rather spoil other people’s kids.” She started the car, and we were on our way. “I see kids differently.”
“You ever going to get married?”
“Again? Probably not.”
I was shocked. “What happened?”
“This and that. You know, it simply did not work out.”
“Sounds like you don’t really have much more to share.”
“You are correct, my friend. Nothing can change it. No point rehashing it.”
“Is that why you started our relationship by being very clear it was never going to be more than friends?”
She laughed. “To be honest, I really do like you. You’re not, however, the kind of person that would be able to keep up with me.”
“Because you move around a lot?”
“I’m very social. I have lots of friends. I do a lot of running here and there. All that is best done solo. You, Derrick Sadasky, are an anchor. Good for keeping around, to come back to from time to time.”
“That’s good to know, I guess. I’ve got to be honest. I was not in a good place when we departed last time.”
“It was obvious. You do not do well with change. When you connect, you want it to last and be meaningful. You’re willing to go the extra mile to make it work too. Sometimes that comes off a bit needy and obsessive.”
“Guilty as charged. With all the time I spend at work, I don’t seek too many people outside of that circle. I come home and just want to decompress and forget the day. So when I make a friend at work, I need to realize it will most likely end when they move on. Few stay in touch for a while afterward, but in the end, I never see them again. It’s nice to see you again.”
“How is work?”
I blew out a relaxing breath. “Very busy. We lost a bunch of business, had to all move into a smaller area on the floor, and everyone is doing more with less. I am trying to keep up with the new association Alison is exec on. They are constantly asking for more, and they are seldom happy.”
“Sounds like every client I ever worked on.”
“Some are more challenging than others, that’s for sure.”
“What are your plans with the new job?”
“I’ll be getting everything moved to a new apartment, and then I start soon. I’m stopping through on my way to check everything out.”
“How excited are you?”
“It’ll be a big change since I was on the West Coast for a long time, but I’ve been in this area before. More crowded and fast-paced, but the job should be fulfilling. I know a lot of people, so I won’t be lonely.”
“Would you like me to visit after you get settled in?”
“You could take a train. It would be perfect for you.”
“Good. Let me know, and I’ll be there.”
We talked a little bit more as we drove around looking for a good parking spot near all the places we wanted to visit. Shopping with Wren was very interesting because her tastes were often at odds with what I would pick. In the end, however, her choices made her look much better than if I had been doing the buying. Fashion expert is not something that will ever show up on my expertise list.
“So, what’s going on with you and Alison?” Wren asked as we began eating at an outdoor café.
“She’s at a conference for that new client, arriving home pretty soon. I’ve been writing and will be looking for a publisher soon. Work and personal stuff have been driving a wedge between us that I’m hoping to remove today.”
“You want the relationship to work?”
I wiped my mouth and sat back. “Yes. A lot is going to have to change, and maybe that might be too much to ask, but I’ve got to try.”
“Interesting.”
“What?” I demanded.
“I think you might be growing up. Still a little clingy and crazy, but much more balanced. You sound ready.” “Oh.”
“You know I’m always going to tell you the truth from my seat. Doesn’t mean it’s right or you should even consider it, but you’ll get my two cents.”
“See, that’s what my problem has been recently. I haven’t been living my own life. I’ve been doing what everyone else tells me to do. At work and my personal life. The war is over, and I think I won.”
“So, are you planning on proposing?”
“Really?”
“Have you thought through what you are hoping to accomplish?”
“I want a normal relationship first.”
She laughed. “Normal. How boring. Define normal, Derrick.”
“I see your point.”
“No, you don’t, but let’s pretend you do.”
“Fine. If you were me, what would you do?”
“Not my type, too needy. I would have walked away a long time ago. I’m pretty sure you know that.”
“I do.” We kept talking about a bunch of stuff and then went walking around to look at more shops. Eating dessert while walking around became a little difficult, so we sat on a bench to finish. “You know what I’d like to do again?” I said, breaking the silence.
“What?”
“Road trip. Maybe on this coast this time. You have no idea how awesome that was for me.”
“I’m sure the thousands of times you have told me has given me a small glimmer.”
“Do you think that will ever happen?”
“We’ll see,” she said with a wink.
My phone rang. I looked at it and saw it was Alison. “Excuse me,” I said, leaving the bench while answering it. “You home?”
“He’s gone too far. I’m going to kill him.”
“Hey, what are you talking about? Where are you?”
There was a long pause. “I’m at my parents’ house now.”
“Stay there, I’ll be right there.”
“Good-bye, Derrick, I love you.” She hung up, and I looked at Wren, who was reaching for her car keys.