“College,” Polly said like that was a complete answer. I handed her the folder and plopped down roughly on the couch. “What’s this?” she asked as I took off my shoes.
“My new job,” I said, trying to act like it was no big deal.
She sat down while looking at the contents. “Can you do all this?”
“No, but I’ll be working with someone that knows the web side.”
“They gave this to you today and want you to decide right away?”
I stretched and then grabbed some pillows to get comfortable. “There’s a meeting on Monday for the execs, which I’m welcome to attend if I take it.” I yawned. “What do you think?”
“They are definitely moving you in the right direction—of course, if it’s something you can handle, right?”
I nodded. “Sure. Like I said, I’ll need help. Most of the association sites are still very simple. If we can learn this stuff, we’ll be able to offer some cool features. I get the concepts, just can’t do it myself.”
“The bump is nice.”
“It’s still not what someone that does that kind of work gets paid.” I lay down. “I guess in this kind of business, that will never happen.”
“Who’s going to manage these new people?”
“I’m not sure.” I hadn’t given too much thought to that question. They had a mail room person managing me, so maybe there was an opportunity for me to do that part too. “I’ll have to ask that on Monday.”
“Step up and offer to do that before it gets decided for you. There should be some more money in doing that.”
I laughed. “One would think. Not sure if that’s how it works though.” I extended my legs out and nudged my sister.
“You trying to take a nap or something?”
“What gave it away?” I asked, closing my eyes.
One thing I like to do when I have big ideas or decisions swirling in my head is to go to sleep. It’s not really a lazy or depressed reaction, simply a way for me to relax and let my mind mull over the options. To me, it’s a form of lucid dreaming, allowing all the choices to have their voices while I sit back and weigh them out. I knew this was the perfect opportunity since everyone would be out of the house for a few hours, allowing me to possess the comfort of the couch without interruption.
It all came down to two options—take it or leave it. If I leave the job and continued being a desktopper, there was the strong possibility that I would be let go soon after the merge. No one likes looking for employment, at least I do not. If I take the job, I run the risk of being over my head without the proper skills or support. Skills can be learned pretty quickly; however, once you lose the support of those above you, it’s only a matter of time until one is out the door.
So both options can lead to me losing what I have, namely a job. That is not too comforting, but a reality everyone faces daily. In that case, I will remove that option from consideration since both paths get me there. I will not let that happen. I cannot let that happen.
Sitting still in my current position, like sticking my head in the sand to avoid the inevitable, is what will make it happen. I will need to buy books, read them, and apply what I learn. Seminars, maybe even a college course—whatever it takes to show I can and will be good at this new position—is what I will do. Well, probably, if I really have to. Even in my dreams, I know when I’m going over the top.
All right, now I guess it all comes down to me showing up at the exec meeting and acting like an adult. Time to grow up. Will I have to wear nicer clothes? No, I might have to get under a desk to fix a problem. Can’t wear a suit; I might get my tie stuck and hurt myself. No chance I’ll be able to wear jeans and sneakers. Business casual like the rest, maybe more casual if I ask nicely.
Okay, I think that’s all my mind is putting forward to consider. Well, what about being in charge of the others, like my sister suggested? I would like more money. Who doesn’t want more? More responsibility, more money, right? I would have to hire and fire people. Could I tell someone they have to go because they aren’t doing a good job? What if they are doing something criminal? What type of people work for this other company?
My heart was racing, and I sat up. It took me a moment to remember where I was and why I was alone. Spending too much time in my head, giving voice to my thoughts…whose idea was that anyway?
I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Scanning for something to quickly grab and eat yielded nothing. That’s why my sister was out food shopping, now I remember. Not so surprisingly, though, there was a note on the table covering a wrapped plate of food.
Nothing snaps me back to happy better than a Friday night, a plate of food, an empty house, and some quality time with a video game. I needed only one more ingredient to complete the recipe. Turning on the light to the basement, I carefully descended, looking for a little bubbly. Something bottled within the last few weeks would do the trick. Suddenly I was confronted with not one but two options—my favorite beverage or my other favorite, its twin, with natural and artificially flavored cherry. Being the gateway to the weekend, I wanted to start it off right by getting my recommended dose of fruit.
There is nothing more fun in life than a self-imposed challenge. To extend the drama of getting a drink, I like to open the cap just enough to let the hissing begin and then try to make it last as long as possible. My quirks are most likely a sign of a serious medical condition needing some pill to stop me from enjoying them. However, here I was, grinning ear to ear, listening to the fading sound. I do not keep official records of the times, but this bottle seemed especially fizzy.
Now that I had everything in place, I sat down in front of the television. My plate was ahead of me, drink to the left, and controller firmly held with both hands. I looked at the clock and noticed my time alone would be over in roughly an hour. While gaming sessions should last until a major part of your body goes completely numb, this one would need to end before two small children began pulling on me or the cables.The front door opening was my cue to turn everything off and help with the groceries.
“I didn’t expect to see you awake,” my sister said, handing me several bags. “Everything okay?”
I smiled and nodded. “I have to take that job.” I walked to the kitchen, put down everything, and turned to get more from the car. “Time to push myself and act like an adult.”
“Jumping in the deep end when you can’t swim is kind of stupid too.” She knew I couldn’t swim, so that statement made me pause. “You know that firsthand, right?”
“Listen,” I said, pointing at her while squinting menacingly. “I have never willingly submerged myself underwater, let alone plunged in haphazardly.” Her poorly suppressed emotion greatly agitated me. “Keep my numerous drownings out of this.”
Holding up her hands in mock surrender, she frowned. “You are right, I crossed a line.”
“You know you did.” My excitement faded and was replaced with crushing doubt and confusion. “What do you think I should do?”
Polly grabbed me by the shoulders and led me in the direction of the front door. “Unload the car while I put the kids to bed. Okay?”
I again carried all the remaining bags in one trip, cutting off the circulation to my right hand from the plastic digging deep under the weight of two gallons of milk. By the time I unpacked everything and put away the items where I thought they belonged, my sister was done with the bedtime rituals.
“Were they already sleeping?”
She nodded and sat down at her usual spot at the dining room table. “I took them out to a park and wore them out before shopping.”
“Will they sleep through the night?” Did I ever mention how much I cannot stand crying kids, even when they are family?
“Won’t be a problem.” She sat back and relaxed. “I’m glad this week is over.”
“I agree.” I sat down at my usual spot at the table. “You know I have to take that job.”
“Why do you say that?” she asked, reaching for a little snack bag of chips. “Aren’t you happy doing what you’re doing?”
“Stop messing with me, please.” I laced my fingers behind my head and looked up. “What would you do?”
Through the crunching, she said, “Take it.”
“Then it’s settled.” Standing, I grabbed the folder from near the couch and then sat at the dining room table again. Flipping through it, I wanted to make sure there wasn’t something I was missing. “How often do you get a raise?”
“Usually there’s a cost-of-living adjustment every year and something if they think I did a good job or there’s extra income in the company.” She went back to crunching on the remaining pieces. “That’s not a guarantee.”
“I know. I’m hoping they don’t bump me up and then tell me not to expect anything for five years or something.” I had no real reason to think this way; however, I could imagine it happening and needed to clarify the point on Monday. “
“What’s the next step? Tell HR on Monday?”
“I guess so. Ms. Cedar should be excited, so I’ll go tell her since she’s in early most of the time. Do you think I should tell your friend right away?”
My sister brightened up and leaned forward. “She would get a kick out of knowing before everyone else.”
“You realize your one-word answer earlier when I asked how you met was not enough.” I leaned forward. “So, why were you avoiding giving me a real answer?”
She shifted uncomfortably.
“You really don’t want to talk about it, do you?”
“Let me put it this way,” she began, moving toward the kitchen. “There are times when a person comes into your life at the exact and perfect time when you need them. I really don’t want to get into all the details, but let’s say she got me through some very tough times.” Polly opened the refrigerator and grabbed the soda. “You almost finished a whole one of these while I was out?”
“Nice try,” I said, taking it from her as she sat at the table again. “You are not going to change the subject that easily.” I removed the cap, took a long draught, and held it out to her. Her wrinkled nose gave me the go-ahead to finish the rest. “Did you do some circus thing together or something?”
Few times does my sister laugh truly loudly. At this moment, I was afraid both kids were going to wake up. “What did she say about that?”
“You both trained together, I think.” I scratched my head. “She made a monkey face too.”
My sister made the same expression and then laughed. “Like this?” she asked, still laughing hysterically.
“Are you going to let me in on the inside joke or make me sit here and get frustrated?” I really wanted to know now.
Polly sighed and stared at me for a long time, and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. “I’ll try.”
I felt really bad because I had no idea there was any sadness attached to her story. “Hey,” I said holding up my hand. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Forget I asked.”
She wiped her eyes and smiled. “My first taste of real freedom was when I went away to college. You know how Mom and Dad raised us. There was no real way to tell them what I was going through. I had pushed you out of my life too.”
I sat there and watched her break down in tears. This is how it must have been the day she called me to come home. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Of course, you didn’t. No one did. I made sure of it. Going away to a place where no one knows you let me start over, and I made all the wrong choices. When I did come back, I put on the perfect-daughter face again. Nothing wrong here.” She held out her arms wide and smiled.
“So where does your friend come in?”
“You can only dive in so deep until hitting that point where you can’t really go any further without killing yourself. Can’t go deeper, can’t make it back to the surface.” She looked at me to make sure I understood what she meant. “That’s when.”
“Should I ask what exactly you were into?”
“You could, but there’s no point to it. That is all in the past, and there is no sense having you look down on me for what I now know was very bad behavior.” There was a look of strength about her that replaced the sadness of moments ago. “I hope you can respect that.”
“Okay. So your friend helped you through it. That doesn’t explain the monkey face.” I tried to imitate the look and was sure it was barely recognizable.
“Right. Well once there was a kids group that we did face painting for, and we were both monkeys.” She shrugged. “Was that worth the wait?”
“So no deeper meaning?”
“Nope. We did a lot of stuff together, and that day was probably the most fun. Going back to that moment in time always brings a smile to my face. Sorry it wasn’t more exciting.”
“That’s fine. I guess inside jokes really require one to be there. You still hang out with her, which I find encouraging. Do you have a lot in common with her?”
My sister rested her head in her hands and sighed. “Not really. We just like hanging out and talking through everything that goes on in our sometimes-hectic daily lives. You have that with Alison, right?”
“Alison?”
“You’ve hung out with her a couple times at work and after. Don’t you just like spending time talking with her?”
“Right now that’s all she wants to do. I wouldn’t mind making it a more different kind of relationship.”
Polly stood up and headed toward the stairs to go up when one of the kids started making a fuss.
“Make sure you don’t lose your grip on what you have when you reach out for something new.”
She disappeared and left me alone to wonder exactly how I was supposed to accomplish that goal.