Staring in the mirror confirmed that a weekend without shaving was probably enough now to be considered a beard. Not too many holes in the coverage. I had finally gotten to the point where I would again purposely go to work without cleaning off the scruff. Past efforts had yielded sarcastic comments and veiled threats about sending me home to groom myself more properly. Even though I only shave two days a week, my face wasn’t growing hair fast enough, and I didn’t want to start a new position looking bad.
To be honest, it was all for Alison. Pretty much everything I did recently was hopefully to please her. My sister warned me to be careful, but what was the point? If it all came down to facial hair, then so be it. Looking again into the mirror reminded me that while I was average at best, this new look might get everyone thinking I was grown-up and sophisticated. Perception often becomes reality, and I was prepared to steer that to my advantage.
“What do you think?” I asked my sister as I finished my bowl of cereal.
“Of what?” she asked, yawning and stretching.
“Notice anything?” I asked, stretching out my arms and smiling.
She got real close to my chin and pulled out a hair. “You’re going straight to white. Is that what you wanted me to find?”
I stood trying not to show how much my face was hurting. “I was hoping you would notice the collection of hairs, not just that one.”
“Oh, I did. You’ve done this to yourself before.” She rummaged through some cabinets, getting food ready for herself and the kids. “You sure you want to start a new job with a cartoonish-looking thing like that?” She circled her fingers in front of my face and smirked.
“Be honest now. Won’t people think it makes me seem more mature?”
She sighed. “Fashion is so subjective. With you as the subject, I’m not so sure.”
I tried to hide my disappointment, but I was not about to go upstairs and shave. “I guess I’ll have to wait and see how people at work react.” I pursed my lips and rubbed my chin. “New job, new look.”
Polly looked at her watch. “Speaking of which, you are running slightly behind today.”
I glanced casually at the clock on the wall in the kitchen and tried to act like being late was now no longer a big deal to me. “I’ll see you sometime tonight. Not sure if anyone is going to want to go out and celebrate my promotion, but you never know.”
She patted me on the back and handed me my bag. “You sure don’t,” she said, softly pushing me toward the front door.
The ride into work proved to me that many other cool- looking people did indeed have beards and ride public transportation. It’s interesting how many others have things in common with you when you spend the time to go looking.
I saw Ms. Cedar’s car in the tiny parking lot as I walked into the building. She is always so supportive and surely desired to hear from me first that I really wanted the job. It was going to be tough in the beginning, but I was sure there would be high-level support to ease me into the position. I took the steps two at a time and was at her office quickly and approached her nearly closed door.
Through the crack, I could see her wincing in pain and holding her chest. She saw me when I tried to step back. I knocked and tried to act like I hadn’t seen anything. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” she said faintly, and I slowly pushed open the door. “It’s good to see you. What’s on your mind?”
I stepped in and closed the door behind me, standing up against it. “I wanted to tell you I want to take the new job.”
She stood and motioned for me to sit while holding out her hand. I gave her a very professional, two-pump, gentle- but-manly handshake, and we both sat down.
“That’s good to hear you are willing to challenge yourself.”
“I’m sure there will be plenty of support while I learn what needs to get done.” I smiled and leaned back in my seat.
Ms. Cedar was silent and just stared at me for a while before speaking. “I am leaving soon.”
“Do you have a meeting to get to?” I asked, ready to stand.
“I told you before I am leaving at the end of the year. What I didn’t tell you, or anyone, is that I’m not really in control anymore. The company is sold, and there’s no going back.” She pressed her chest and tried to act like there was nothing wrong.
“That’s it then?” I threw my hands in the air. “I’m on my own?”
“You’ve always been on your own, and you’ve done rather well. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination,” she said, smiling. “Why are you trying a beard again?”
“New job, new look.” I tried to act like I meant it and was fully confident in the decision.
“What is going on with you and Alison?”
I tried to act like I had no idea what she was talking about. “We’re friends.”
“May I give you some professional advice about that relationship?”
She was going to tell me how she felt either now or sometime soon, so I nodded for her to continue.
“Do you know what I am going to say?”
“Yes.”
She sighed. “Tell me.”
“Check” and “mate.” Ms. Cedar was very good at knowing and controlling me. “Workplace romance is not a good idea.”
She stifled a laugh and tapped on the desk. “Romance? You like her?”
“Yes,” I said sheepishly. “What were you going to tell me?”
“Does she know you like her?”
“I would hope so. We’ve hung out a bunch of times.” I saw her reach her hand out and touch mine. “What are you doing?”
“Tell me the truth. Does this bother you?”
The touch was warm and friendly, but my mind began to turn it into something different, and I pulled away.
“Alison is a touchy-feely type of person too, isn’t she?”
I sat forward and crossed my arms. “What’s your point?”
“You need to talk to her and find out for sure if the relationship is actually going in the same direction as what you imagine.” She furrowed her brow. “Does that make sense?”
“Do you think I’m making it all up in my head?”
“Do I really have to answer that?” she demanded.
“I came in here very excited about changing with the company, and now you’re psychoanalyzing me?” I stood and opened the door.
“Derrick, please.” She stood and tried to grab my arm.
“I need to get some work done before the exec meeting.” I closed the door behind me loudly and all but ran to my desk. Plopping down violently in my chair, I couldn’t help but review every second I had spent with Alison from the moment I saw her on my first day here.
“Penny for your thoughts,” my sister’s friend said, waving her hands near my face. “You never smile, but this look is downright depressing.”
“Do you talk behind my back with my sister about Alison?” I leaned forward and shook my fist at her. “Tell me the truth because as you can see”—I pointed to my scowl—“I’m in no mood to be lied to.”
“How much truth do you want to hear?” She put her bag down and sat in the extra seat next to me.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I turned and faced her, trying to remain calm.
“There are times when a person is really ready to hear the truth, and then there are times when you just want to hear nice things. Someone has already set you off, and I do not want to be the one to push you over the edge. So, are you ready to hear the truth?” She sat back and crossed her legs.
I growled and slammed my hand down on my desk. “I wanted to tell you I am taking the job, but now I don’t even want to spend another second in this place.” I tried to stand up, but she pushed me back into the chair. “What is your problem?”
“Stop being so dramatic. You are on the verge of something good, and you’re willing to throw it away because someone got you mad, and now your whole perspective is out of focus?” She shook her head and frowned. “Get over yourself.”
“What have you and my sister said about my relationship with Alison?” I said quietly and calmly. “I can handle the truth.”
“There isn’t one.” She stood up and grabbed her belongings. “It’s all in your head. Is that what someone else told you this morning?”
I nodded.
“Do you want one?”
“What?”
“A relationship. Do you want something real with her? Something more than sheer obsession?” She leaned close. “Tell her how you really feel and be prepared for a sharp dose of reality. Can you do that?”
“Are you telling me I don’t have a shot?” I laughed. “We’ve hung out a bunch of times. We laugh and joke around all the time. You think that couldn’t lead to something meaningful?”
“She is being friendly, not girlfriendly. There is a big big difference.” She quickly stood up and left me wanting to punch something.
I tried to forget the naysayers by throwing myself in the work that was waiting. The hard part was every little mistake in filling out the paperwork or simple edits that were missed the first time really made me furious. Nothing around me was as perfect as I believed it should be. How long had I been deluded into thinking someone could love me?
“What’s your problem?” Nell asked as she passed by, waiting at the door for me to react.
“Not today,” I barked, locking eyes with her. “I have a lot to get done today.”
“You’ve always got a lot to do. Today, though, you’re doing it like it’s killing you.” She sighed. “Never mind, go ahead and stroke out for all I care,” she huffed, leaving up the steps loudly.
Some people genuinely want to help and truly care. Those, however, are the ones I want to strangle when I obviously want to stay in the bitter barn. It was minutes until I was supposed to sit in a meeting with the elitist execs and listen to management try to convince us that two companies merging together was such a good idea. No mention, I’m sure, that half of us were going to lose our jobs. Not me. No, I was all set to get someone else fired.
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. There was no way I could be the center of attention looking like I did.
“Fake it ’til you make it,” someone said from the doorway.
Turning, I saw Ms. Cedar in the hall waiting patiently, looking very sad. “I can’t handle it.”
She tapped her foot. “I am very sorry. I crossed a line.”
“Did you?” I asked wiping my eyes. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“I need you today. People listen to you and trust you. Not because you demand it. Tell them the truth and be yourself.” She pulled me from the bathroom and made me stand tall. “You’re going to have to learn to take a lot tougher than me when I’m gone.”
“Am I really that clueless?” I asked, and she smirked. “Promise you’ll never stop telling me the truth.”
“You’re awake now. No going back.” She motioned for me to go first up the stairs to a room full of people, hoping I could convince them it was rain they were feeling coming down from above.
“What are you doing here?” Alison whispered when I took the seat next to her.
“We need to talk,” I said, looking at her, drinking in her beauty. “Are you open for lunch today?”
“Sure, what’s on your mind?” she asked, sounding concerned.
“I’ll come and find you when I can.”
She smiled and tugged on my beard.
“What do you think?”
“It’s a start,” she said coyly, tapping her pencil on her notepad.
“I forgot to bring anything,” I said, looking at everyone else sitting poised to write down and quickly forget every word uttered.
Ms. Cedar moved to the head of the table surrounded by flip charts. In walked the man from Nevada, tipping his hat to the obviously confused group.
“We have a lot to discuss today,” Ms. Cedar began as the man sat at the opposite end of the table, trying not to draw any more attention. “As you can see, we have two guests with us today.”
My entrance had only gotten a few bored glances, which now turned into glares. I looked around and nodded slowly as I met each pair of eyes. My hand slipped up a little as I gave a weak wave too. “Morning,” I added.
“Derrick has decided to accept a new position that is a perfect fit for his skills. With the rollout of our new technology, we will need someone to administer and coordinate everything we previously discussed.” She looked at me. “Do you mind saying a few words?”
“No problem.” I started looking around the room. “This plan to completely upgrade what we are currently using with new hardware and software is not only aggressive but progressive. Over the next few months, everything we have been comfortable doing for years will be replaced. Let’s be honest. It will require cooperation, training, and mostly patience. In the end, though, you will be able to play solitaire with a mouse.”
A few smiled quickly, while some had no idea that was my attempt to break the ice. The man from Nevada stood, removed his hat, and walked to the front of the room. “We”— he pointed to himself and Ms. Cedar—“are committed to giving you the best tools to do your jobs.”
That got the slow group engaged.
“Let me introduce myself,” he continued, while Ms. Cedar began flipping papers revealing the merger details.