I sat patiently in HR, waiting for her to return. In front of me was an ancient television on a cart with a VCR attached below. Apparently, it was vitally important for me to watch some antitrust video for my new position. While I waited, there was an assortment of paperwork to fill out to make my new job official. Even though I was no longer going to be a desktopper, I was still accountable to do all the work until I met the new one later today. A formal handing off of the responsibilities would take place, and I could begin my duties next week.
HR came back, waving the cassette in triumph, trying not to grossly cough from the exertion. “Believe it or not, this is the best thing to help explain this topic.” She put the tape in, powered on the TV, and turned the knob to adjust the sound. “When this is over, come and get me. I’ll probably be in the lunchroom.”
After her hasty departure, I tried to sit back and relax. To say that I found the material sorely lacking in adequately keeping my attention was an understatement. I understood the concepts; however, I found it hard to concentrate while I was chuckling at the way-outdated suits everyone wore. For a few more dollars, actors could have been hired who would have livened up the dialogue. In the end, the points were made, but it wasn’t worth the price of admission.
While I was rewinding it, Alison looked through the glass in the door. I smiled and waved for her to enter.
“What are you doing in here all by yourself?”
“Did you have to watch this video?” I asked, holding it up after it popped out of the machine.
She smiled and breathed deeply. “They made you watch that too? Your computers will never conspire against each other, will they? Did you find any value in it?”
“I guess it’s good to understand what could happen.” I shrugged. “Is that something that helps with what you do?”
“It might.” She looked around the room and then back at me. “Did you want to go to lunch now?”
I looked at the clock on the wall. Gathering my paperwork and the tape, I was ready to get out of the building for a while. “Let me go to my desk, drop this off, and then find HR to let her know I need a break.”
We walked to my desk. I placed everything safely in a drawer, got my coat, and headed to the lunchroom. “I’m going to step out for lunch and then I’ll come back to your office. The tape and my paperwork are put away, so I’ll bring them back when I return.”
“Good. You’ll get to meet your new team when you return,” HR said, waving to me from across the room. “Enjoy!” she added enthusiastically.
“Do you need to grab something to eat?” I asked after we were both outside.
“How much time do you have until you need to get back?” Alison asked, rummaging through her purse.
“I’m in no rush.” I watched her count the money in her wallet. “We could just walk somewhere and sit if you want.”
“You’re not going to eat something? Did you bring something?” She put everything away and gave me a strange look. “You can’t go all day without eating.”
“How about a pretzel and a bench?”
“Outside?”
“It’s not too cold, is it?”
She leaned close. “Don’t you want to celebrate?”
“My new job?”
She gave me a blank expression. “Can I buy you lunch?”
I laughed. “I wanted to talk. As long as we can talk while I watch you eat.”
She grabbed my arm and pulled me close as we moved quickly to a small sandwich shop. “This place is good and quick.”
Entering we found a table and were waited on within minutes.
“How long did you know about the open position?” she asked, breaking the silence.
“Friday. They called me in, told me a little about the situation, and then gave me a polite ultimatum. I am happy for the chance to keep growing in what I’m learning and doing. If I would have said no, it would have been a fast transition out for me. I meet the new desktop and web person today.”
“So the guy at the other place will be going instead?”
I nodded.
“At least they gave you a shot.” She sighed and tapped on the table.
“I’m sure Ms. Cedar had a lot to do with it, although she claims I’m on my own now.” I felt sad and hoped the rest of the year would go a little slower.
“What is going on with her?” Alison asked, touching my hand.
I looked at her hand on mine and didn’t look away as I said, “She sold the company and will leave at the end of the year.”
Alison’s sandwich came along with my soda and her water.
“Thanks,” she said and began to eat. “I mean, is she doing okay?”
“I guess.” I took the paper off the straw and took a long sip of my drink. “Am I missing something?”
“She looks a little pale and not as full of energy. Did you notice?”
“Maybe she’s fighting something,” I said, remembering the pained expressions in her office. “I’m not going to go asking though.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Alison said, finishing the first half of what she ordered.
“I’m so used to those guys all the way upstairs asking me to get them the inside line on what’s happening.”
Alison had no idea what I meant.
“It’s nothing. They’re like a gossip club and rope me into finding out stuff all the time.”
“Oh,” was all she said, not caring to probe the subject. “Well, I’m happy you’re going to go to the exec meeting now. At least we can suffer together.”
I kept watching her eat, wondering if I would have the nerve to tell her how I felt. “Do you like me?” I asked as she finished her last bite.
“Sure do,” she said, wiping her mouth. “I wouldn’t go out to eat with you if I didn’t.”
“Right.” I sat there and had no idea how to make her understand.
“Are you all right?”
“No.”
She leaned forward. “What’s on your mind?”
“You are. All the time.” I smiled awkwardly.
“You’re sweet.”
For some reason, I did not like that response. It made no sense. It made me mad. “That’s good to know,” I ended up breathing out like I was exhausted.
“Hey,” she said, reaching out to me. “Tell me what’s going on.” Her hand touched mine, and I pulled back. “Derrick, I want to help.”
“I need to say some stuff to you, and I don’t want this to end up as another point where we stop talking for months. Do you promise?” I sat back and crossed my arms.
“You know I don’t want that.”
“Good. I love you.” I watched her face change subtly.
“Are you okay to talk about this here?” She looked around and then locked eyes with me. “It’s very personal.”
“There will never be a better place. There will never be a better time. Right here, right now. I do not want to spend any more of my life thinking I have a shot with someone like you when the reality is I will never be more than your friend.” I relaxed again. “I need to know what you think and how you feel.”
“You’re right, we are friends. I also told you before that
there is some pressure from my family, especially my mom, about dating. Are you saying you can’t be my friend? Has that changed?”
I laughed. “Being your friend is awesome. I look forward to spending time with you whenever and wherever we can. I genuinely enjoy every moment.”
“But,” she said, waiting for me say what I really meant.
“I want more.”
“What does that mean?”
I sighed. “Really?”
“Yep,” she said, emphasizing the word so her lips looked even more sensual.
“Can I start at the end?”
“Be my guest. Tell me exactly what you want.” She raised one eyebrow and looked over her glasses at me.
“I imagine myself sitting next to you, holding your hand as we grow old together.” I watched her nod and wait for more. “That’s the end result at least.”
“You realize you’ve skipped a bunch of steps, correct?”
“Come on, are you taking this serious?”
“Oh, I’m very aware of what you are saying. I wonder now, like I have always, if you are capable of an adult relationship.”
I felt so angry but knew she was right. Everyone else could see it. Why couldn’t I? “How can I prove it to you?”
She looked around and pointed out another woman. “Do you find her attractive?”
I tried to act normally as I surveyed the one she identified. “Sure, why?”
“Did you notice her when we came in?”
I had to think about it. “No.”
“You find her attractive but you didn’t notice her?”
I had no idea what to say. “I guess not.”
“Do you know why?”
“Because I was focused on what I was going to say to you.”
“Right. You were lost in your thoughts.”
“Yes.”
“Real Alison is sitting in front of you now. I will never be the Alison in your head. Do you understand that?”
“Yes.”
“Can you deal with that when I prove to be a flawed and fragile girlfriend? Can you deal with that when the real me is nothing like your dream version? Will you get out of a failed relationship or stick to it and end up miserable? Even worse, will you love me for what I could be and hate what I really am?” Her eyes were sparkling from the light shining off unshed tears.
“Do you think I am stupid?” I said, handing her a napkin.
She removed her glasses and dabbed her eyes. “I need to make sure you have a firm grasp on reality.” After composing herself, she put her glasses away. “I won’t be this beautiful too much longer,” she joked.
“Do I really seem so detached?”
“There are times when you are in your own world, going through the motions.”
“Do me a favor and tell me. As friends, we have to watch each other’s backs.”
She sat there and just stared at me. “What are we doing?”
“Having an adult conversation.”
“Do we have to grow up?”
“According to you, we must.” I leaned my head on my hands. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“Why didn’t you shave for today?”
“You better be messing with me.” I scowled.
“I do like a man with a beard.” She pulled lightly on it. “Did you really do this to yourself because I said something?”
“Say the word and it goes.” I gave her a very serious expression. “I’m not playing.”
“Is this how it’s going to be with you?”
“I hang on every word you say.”
“A little clingy, isn’t it?”
“Do you need some space already? Am I keeping you from all your friends?”
She smiled. “You do think very highly of me.”
“That’s a good way to put it.”
The waitress kindly reminded us that we could pay our bill anytime we were ready. I took one long sip, and the rest of my soda was gone. “We should get going so someone else can sit down,” Alison said, getting her money ready to pay. We bundled up again then left after paying.
“Thank you for lunch,” I said, patting my stomach.
“Nothing is really settled with us,” she said as we walked toward work.
“You know how I feel at least. Getting my words out of my head and into your ear was a big success, right?”
She grabbed my arm and held me close. “I guess.”
“What’s on your mind now?”
“I keep worrying about my family.”
I stopped walking abruptly. “Dinner.”
“You want to have dinner with my family?”
I smiled. “Why not?”
“It’s just I know them.”
“What kind of answer is that?”
“You will be under the microscope the whole time.”
I leaned down to her height. “I can be very charming.”
“I don’t know.”
“I can’t marry you then.”
“Fine.”
I started walking again. “That’s it. Grow old by yourself then.”
“What do you like to eat?”
“Peanut butter and jelly. You can keep the crusts on, and it’s fine to cut it in half, diagonally, or even into quarters. If you cut it into four, it has to be diagonally. No square quarters.”
She squeezed my arm tight. “Be serious, or you’ll never meet them.”
“Are they as boring as you?”
“Actually they are ten times worse. It’s not too late to back out now.”
“That’s not going to happen. When’s dinner?”
“We haven’t even decided what’s for dinner.”
We were almost back to work, so our pace slowed. “Make something easy.”
She laughed. “I’m not cooking. My mom will want to do that.”
“Okay, then it doesn’t matter. When?”
“You busy on Friday?”
“Me? Hold on, let me check my schedule.”
“You’ll have to clear it with your sister, right?”
I looked at her, and she wasn’t insulting me. “She won’t mind.”
“So, we’ll leave work and go to their place on Friday.”
“It’s a date then,” I said and looked at her.
“It is. Wow, I’m going on a date with my parents present. You will be a memorable boyfriend.”
“How are we going to get there?”
“Cab.”
“Do you want me to figure out how to get there by public transportation?”
Her face told me that was not an option.
“Cab it is then.”
We had arrived at the corner near our building.
“We need to be careful with showing too much affection while at work, okay?”
I stopped. “Until I have dinner with your family, we will simply be friends.” I bounced on my toes and smiled. “You get none of this before then. Can you contain yourself?”
“Won’t be a problem,” she said, and I wasn’t sure if she was serious or joking.
“Hey, who are those two?” I asked as two women entered the front door of our building.
“I’ve never seen them before,” Alison said, putting her glasses on to check.
“Maybe they’re the ones I’m supposed to meet—the desktopper and web designer.”
“You better get going then,” she said, letting go of my arm.
“This week is not going to go fast enough, I can tell you that.”
“Stop by every once in awhile if you get a chance. I know things are going to get hectic for you, so no pressure.”
“Thank you for listening to me today.”
“Get back to work before I hug you,” she whispered before we went our separate ways.