No one should ever hear the voices in your head. Whatever you do, filter the content, put a positive spin on it, shed some light on it, then present it. Too many times I have a great idea and share it before thinking it through. I’ve invented things only to find I could go to a store and get the exact same thing built so much better than my vague version. There are times when I tell someone something only to find it was the plot of a movie when I was a kid that must have bubbled to the surface.
The more you work with a person, the more free you become with sharing your hopes, dreams, and past experiences. It is refreshing to hear how some people have come a long way from tragic childhoods to becoming awe-inspiring, odds- overcoming, and well-adjusted adults. On occasion there are people willing to tell you recent examples, but most take a while from the actual negative events before they can see the good that came out of the bad.
I have a tendency to be that person who thinks they can save everyone. Listening carefully helps me know if someone even wants to be helped. Others will never let you see the hurt they carry, feeling it is their personal responsibility to hide the burden, and it’s a sign of weakness if anyone finds out. When I meet people like that, something bonds me closer, even if I am only allowed at the fringe of that person’s life. We both know we’re broken, and that in itself brings a small measure of comfort.
Recently I have been wondering if writing these journals are even worth it. I’ve been doing this since I was a kid, so it’s a deep-ingrained habit. As an adult, I discovered that not all habits are good for you. Pouring out my head onto a page helps me, or does it? Getting deep to root out the core of my problem takes effort. It hurts when you realize that everyone around you is normal and you are really the problem. Picking at old wounds, who wins when you do that?
I’ve got so many issues that keeping it together on a daily basis is actually an accomplishment. Some days I feel like curling up into a ball and letting my life slowly ebb away. Other days I’m up before the alarm, ready to sacrifice myself to save the world. Both extremes are rare, but living in the middle is often so boring that it isn’t even worth the effort to chronicle in my books.
Today I came to the crossroads with Alison. We are a couple. We are both so completely and utterly broken. We are perfect for each other. She is incapable of loving deeply, and I am unable to do anything but love her unconditionally. I will always be there for her even when she pushes me away, especially when she doesn’t want my help. Clinically, I believe we are codependent.
“So, what do you think I should do?” Alison asked as we sat after dinner.
“You need to talk to HR about your concerns. Tell her New Business knows about the issues and thought nothing of them, so much so that he continued pursuing the group until we landed them,” I summarized after sipping my soda.
“Do you think I’m being set up to fail?”
“No, I think they know we are about to lose serious amounts of dollars and are willing to grab onto anything. Stop the downward spiral before it’s too late.”
She sighed. “Is it time to go looking elsewhere?”
I laughed. “What’s the point?”
“The point is I don’t want to end up unemployed.”
I took another sip and put my glass down again. “You are the new internal exec on an account. Unless that group goes, I think you are quite okay. Now the support people are another story.”
“What about you?”
I shrugged. “I have always believed myself to be expendable. It might take awhile to replace me, but it’s not unthinkable. When you assume it’ll be the other guy getting cut is the day when you’ll find yourself outside holding a box of trinkets.”
“It’s no big deal for you anyway. You live with your sister,” she said, trying to be funny.
“I’ve got two kids to feed,” I replied, poking her arm.
“What’s next for us?” she said, looking at me over her glasses.
“I guess we should start getting to know each other. I met your family. Maybe you could meet my sister and kids.”
“Why?” she asked seriously.
“Really?”
“Yes, why do you want me to meet them?”
“Isn’t that what people do in a relationship?”
“How many relationships have you been in?”
I sat back and had to think about that. “A couple in elementary, mostly lasting a day to a week. Middle school was more of a hanging-out-as-friends phase. High school, I did the chasing, but it never ended in anything but friendship. Come to think of it, this is probably the most adult relationship I’ve been in. I’m not just your friend, am I?”
“So far, it could be classified as that.”
I sighed. “I grew a beard and everything.”
She smiled and gently tugged on my face. “You did this for me, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” I said sheepishly.
“I do want to meet your family just to see if they are all as weird as you.”
“My sister is definitely nothing like me, I think.”
“What about the kids? Are they fun?”
I brightened. “The boy is old enough to do a lot. The girl is still young, but her smile is contagious. I sit on the floor and play with their toys, and that’s enough to get them all over me. Being an uncle is easy.”
“What about a father?”
I looked at her and furrowed my brow. “I am sure that is a lot harder.”
“Do you want kids?”
“How much honesty do you want from me?”
She shook her head and frowned. “What?”
“Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear, or what’s up in my head?” I asked, tapping my skull. “Are you ready to plunge in there?”
“I never want you to give me the safe answer, or the one I want to hear. Do you want kids?”
I tapped on the table and spun my glass. “No.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I do not want kids.”
“Why?”
“I can’t imagine myself caring enough.”
“You’ve got to be joking. You’re fine with the kids at home.”
I nodded. “That’s correct. When I am done, I stand up and walk away. Their mom gladly does the rest.”
“So you see yourself as the type of person that is capable of walking in and out of a person’s life?” Alison touched my hand. “Hate to break it to you—you’re not.”
I looked at her hand on mine and enjoyed the weight and warmth. “What are you telling me?”
“You’d do fine. You just need the right woman who’s going to fill in the gaps.”
“Do you have any in mind?”
She slapped my hand and crossed her arms. “What else do you want to talk about?”
“Tell me about Mr. Tuesday.” I smiled widely. “Leave out the graphic parts to save my feelings, please.”
She pursed her lips and frowned. “Why do you want to talk about him?”
“Did he have a beard?”
She laughed. “Much thicker, fuller, and darker than yours.”
“Don’t oversell him, stick to the facts.”
“Fine. My mother met him at a community center. He was a volunteer coach for little kids. She thought I needed a man like him.” She shrugged. “What else do you need to know?”
“If I wasn’t in the picture, would you have kept dating him?”
“I wasn’t dating him,” she said a little louder than necessary. She looked around. “I spent time with him. There’s a big difference,” she added more calmly.
“How’s he going to take losing to me?”
She pounded her hand down on the table. “Stop it. Do you hear me?”
“What’s going on, Alison? We’re having fun talking, aren’t we?”
“This line of questioning is not fun for me. Do you understand that?”
“I see, but no, I do not understand.”
“My family means a lot to me. My community means a lot to me. I have to ignore that to be with you.” She huffed. “Let it go.”
“Wow, I’m sorry. I am not sure what to say.”
“Stop talking, that would be a start.”
“You had me admitting I don’t want kids, but I can’t ask a few humorous shallow questions about a guy you were sort of seeing? We’re far apart again.”
She shuffled uncomfortably and stared at something away from the table. “I can’t open up like you can.”
“You have told me some very personal things. I know you are capable.”
She stared at me, tears welling up. “I don’t want to. I almost lost you last time.”
“That was my issue. I will not abandon you like that again.”
She shook her head slowly and sighed. “Some things are better left unsaid.”
“Okay, that’s fine,” I said, putting my arms around her. “You know I love you, right?”
She leaned her head on my shoulder. “I know. You’ve told me that before.”
“Why can’t you say it?” I pushed her off me. “You’ve never returned the sentiment.”
“Are you that petty?”
“Are you that incapable?”
Her face blushed completely, and she tried to stand, but I grabbed her right wrist. “Get off of me!” she shouted as she swung wildly at my face with her left fist. I managed to lean back enough that she missed completely.
Everyone around us was now paying full attention to us. “You all right, miss?” some big guy called from his seat nearby.
I let go, and Alison took off. “Mind your business,” she said nastily as she pushed her way through the other patrons. After I paid the bill, I found her across the street on a bench.
“I didn’t mean to make you mad,” I said, sitting down slowly and carefully next to her.
“I almost killed the guy who raped me,” she said, looking at me.
“Is that what you didn’t want me to know? You have a temper. So what? He deserved it.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then make me.”
She leaned back and wiped her eyes. “I hunted him down after the fact. My mom did everything to keep me out of jail.” She pounded the bench. “I will never let myself be imprisoned.”
I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop from laughing aloud. “Scrappy and sexy, just how I like them,” I said, putting my arm around her and hugging her tightly. “How did you do it?”
“What?” she asked like she was waking up exhausted.
“Almost kill him—how did you do it?” I asked, wanting to know despite her resistance.
“I hit him with my car and then got out and kept beating him.” She looked at me, scared that I would run away.
I smiled wickedly.
“My mom pulled me off and told him we wouldn’t press charges against him if he shut up about what I did.”
“So no one got justice.”
She started sobbing deeply. “I still want to kill him.”
We sat on the bench in silence for a very long time as I held her closely. “Are you ready to go home?” I asked, breaking the peace.
“Do you still love me?” she asked, looking at me. “Tell me the truth.”
“I love you.”
She laughed. “You’re an idiot.”
“I am. There’s not much you can do or say that would change that. Maybe nothing actually.”
“My mom really doesn’t want me to spend any time with you.”
“I don’t understand that.”
“Do you love everyone?”
I cocked my head to the side and raised one eyebrow. “What?”
Alison sat up and turned toward me. “I think you honestly have the capacity to love everyone, to see some good in them, like it’s your personal mission in life.”
“I can’t stand people that don’t sit down on public transportation even when there’s a seat right in front of them. That’s a big portion of the population I’m exposed to. See, I’m not perfect.”
She gently punched my arm. “You know what I mean.”
“I do hold out hope maybe a little longer than the average person, but that’s not a bad quality, is it?”
“It’s annoying. That’s why my mom can’t stand you.”
“Because I love too much?”
“She thinks that generic love can turn into something deeper.”
“Like suddenly I’ll be marrying everything that moves?”
“More like you would have more opportunity and desire to cheat on me.”
I laughed. “Are you kidding me? Do you see women lining up to get a piece of me?” I scanned the area, smiling seductively. “Nope, not one.”
“What about Wren?”
I laughed heartily. “You see this beard?” I pointed at my face. “She can’t stand it. I could shave it, but I still wouldn’t have a shot with her. We are friends. Good friends, I think. I like hanging out with her, I admit it. What I also know is that I would never do anything to lose your love.” I smiled. “Even though you’ve never said it, I know it—you love me.”
She sighed. “I don’t know. Do I really want to get involved with you?”
“You can always try before you buy. Test me out. Go out with me on lots of dates. See if I get boring or old quickly. Let me hang out with your family. If they are not completely satisfied, return the unused portion of me for a full refund.” I touched her face softly. “I am no player. I’ve got no game going on here.”
“My mom is going to be so mad when I dump Mr. Tuesday.”
“Let her.”
“You’re right. I have to move past this if I’m ever going to focus solely on you.”
“That’s such a romantic way of putting it.”
“You’re the mushy one, not me.”
I nodded. “I try. So, is there anything else we need to discuss?”
“Are we going to be okay with this new group?”
I rubbed my chin. “To be honest with you, I have no idea how this is all going to play out. The good news is you are armed with information you can use to control the situation. Stand up for yourself, be the exec they need. Represent us, and don’t take their shenanigans.”
“Shenanigans?” She chuckled, pressing close to me.
“Promise me you’ll keep me up to date on everything in case you need someone to back you up.”
“Like what are you going to do?”
“Whatever it takes to keep you safe.” I never meant anything more than that promise.