Late October, year 3
“What’s this meeting about?” I heard a few people talking as I was returning to my office.
Sitting in my chair, I got comfortable and scanned the subject line of the twenty-three e-mails I received while in three consecutive half-hour meetings. People need to realize that I can either talk about doing my job or do my job. While some truly think I can pull off anything they ask, I am a mere mortal who does one thing at a time.
“What’s this meeting about?” Nell asked, leaning her head into my office. “Any clue?”
I shrugged. “None. I just got back to my desk and saw the invite.”
“Well, hurry up. It starts in two minutes.” She smiled and disappeared around a corner, pushing her chair to the meeting.
We had grown recently with the new association hires and a few more added for administrative support. I stood, stretched, and I too grasped my chair and began heading to the conference room for this high-importance, last-minute all-staff meeting. I’m sure there were a few more adjectives and adverbs to elevate its urgency, but that’s all the ones I could remember.
Getting to meetings this close to their starting time either meant you had to sit right next to someone in leadership or up against the wall in the far back. My choice today was the far back if I could squeeze through. Apparently, my facial expressions still tended to look “negative” enough that I was often asked if I was “okay” when meetings were over. Maybe wearing a bandana like an old western bank robber would do the trick.
“I’d like to thank everyone for coming on such short notice,” was the first thing they said basically every time we had one of these meetings. “Today we wanted to share some news with you that will definitely impact all of us. Even with the positive addition of our newest association, we are going to have to balance that with the upcoming departure of several sizeable clients.”
Looking around the room, I could tell that very few people knew about this loss. Often you could tell who knew by their body language and expressions. When it was good news, the person would look around the room with an over-exaggerated smile and nod slowly if you made eye contact. For those who knew the bad news, the reaction was a hung head and an avoidance of eye contact, like shame was weighing heavily upon them. It looked like a few execs were slumping like that while no one was assuming the strutting-peacock posture.
My sister’s friend had told me there were some groups that wanted to leave; however, it was revealed today that it was in fact three. By the time you added it all up, close to a million and a half dollars were walking out the door by year’s end. Looking around the room, I would guess that was half the people currently employed. I put my hand over my mouth to hide my nervous smile.
“We have a plan to reshuffle some of the team members and move more of the work to Core Care. Fewer meeting managers will need to do more meetings. In the end, we will all need to tighten our belts,” HR concluded.
“This is an important time for us all to reevaluate how we do everything. It is all our responsibilities to work on client retention. If you see a problem, make sure you let everyone know so it can be corrected. There is no sense in showing up to work if you are not going to be fully engaged every day in every way,” the man from Nevada shared.
The execs on the accounts that were leaving pretty much had nothing to add. They knew they would be gone with the client. That would be the logical move. I then remembered that recently plans were being formulated with some sense of unfair self-preservation by those making them. In sports, when a whole team is doing poorly, often owners replace the managers. At this company, however, the low man was always at fault and had to go. Trouble is in this round, there weren’t enough of us to cut to make up the deficit.
For the remainder of the time, the cluster continued to paint a bleak picture. Maybe their intention was that a bunch of the fleas would jump off the dog and make their job easier. There was an opportunity at the end of the meeting for questions and answers, but none of them bothered to come prepared, so it was a grand waste of time. In the end, we all went back to our spots, feeling the heavy cloud of uncertainty blotting out our enthusiasm and will to work.
“Updating your resume?” Jimmy asked quietly after coming into my office and closing the door.
“There’s only one person in my department,” I reminded him. “Your accounts aren’t going anywhere, so you’re safe too.”
He nodded and sighed. “Did you do the math?”
“Sure did. It’s close to half of the company.” I shrugged. “About right?”
He nodded. “They need to aim high to make that amount.”
“I agree. Will they?”
I could see him thinking. “The cluster needs to shrink.
Way too much overhead.”
I laughed. “Make sure you keep that to yourself.”
“I wish we could all vote on who we want to go and who needs to stay.”
“Like a reality TV show?”
“Why not?”
Leaning forward, I whispered, “Don’t look now, but they already have cameras and mics all over this place.” I sat back and pointed to a few items and then held a finger up to my mouth.
His face froze and then realized I was once again messing with him. “Could you imagine it though? We could get rid of a lot of dead wood and still have money to spare.”
“Armchair leader? Our vision is perfectly clear, I agree.” I shooed him so I could at least do a little bit of work before I went out with Kay and Wren after work.
We each held up our glasses and clinked them. “It’s good to see you, Derrick,” Kay said after taking a sip of her drink. “What have you been up to since we last saw you?”
I wanted to stay as positive as possible when I was walking over to meet my former associates. Something, however, made that impossible to do when I kept thinking of how they were terminated with no good reason. After the day I had, it was going to take a lot to keep me even civil when talking about work. “Believe it or not, you got the jump on the rest of us finding other jobs.”
“What?” Wren asked, noticing my frown. “Are you okay?”
“They told us today we are losing a big chunk of business.” I told them the details, adding my personal feelings throughout the story, making it take a lot longer. “So, in the end, you two were the first wave.”
“Didn’t you tell us they were planning to replace us?” Kay asked.
“Hasn’t happened yet,” I admitted.
“So the work is just sitting there, not getting done?” Wren asked.
“Yep, as far as I can tell.” I took a sip and then poured the rest of my soda into my glass. “Enough about that. What have you two been up to?”
“I took a job doing layout work at a school,” Kay said first.
“Wren, what about you?” I asked.
“I’m still deciding if I want to move back here or not.” She smiled. “At least something on the right coast for a while.”
“How much longer are you staying?” I asked, hoping to plan at least one more fun night out with her.
“I’ve got a flight back tomorrow.”
“Oh,” was all I could say, hanging my head.
Wren reached out her hand and tapped on the table in front of me. “Hey, we’ve got tonight,” she said loudly.
I looked up and saw her hand still there. Covering it with both of my hands, I then looked up at her, smiling. “Yes, we do.”
Wren looked at me, at my hands, and then at me again. “Are you kidding me?”
“He looks pretty serious to me,” Kay said, shaking her head and then finishing her drink. “Might be a real long night.”
“If I don’t hold on, I’ll blink, and you’ll be gone, out of my life again. Got to hang on, right?” I removed my hands slowly and smirked. “Can’t have that, can we?”
“Do we have to have the boundaries talk again, Mr. Sadasky?” Wren winked and then tried to slap my face.
“You both sicken me. You know that, right?” Kay said, getting up.
“Leaving so soon?” I asked.
“No, I’m getting another round,” she said, heading toward the bar.
“What’s up with you and your crazy girlfriend?” Wren asked, sipping her drink.
“I think things are finally going in the right direction. She was seeing some guy that her mom lined up, but that’s over now.” I moved my glass around on the table. “Progress at least,” I said, trying to convince myself as much as Wren.
“Do you really want me to stick around here?” she asked, leaning forward.
“Of course, I do. Don’t you have a good time hanging out with me?”
“I have a lot of friends in a lot of places. I move around a lot. I do like spending time with you. That, however, doesn’t factor into where I’m going to end up. Do you understand that?”
“I guess.” I felt deflated.
“When I’m here, enjoy it, but when I’m gone, don’t chase me like a lost puppy.”
“Do I do that?”
“Definitely. It’s flattering, but so annoying.”
Kay came back with a new drink. Sitting down, she noticed the tense quiet. “Saying your good-byes already?”
“I’m learning so much about myself tonight.” I tried smiling, but I’m sure it looked weird. “Time for us all to move away from each other. Grow in different directions.”
“How many friends do you have in your life?” Kay asked.
“Outside of work, none.”
“That can’t be right. Count again.”
My sister and kids didn’t count. They were family. “None.”
“People from elementary school, middle school, high school, college? None?” Kay kept it up.
“No, I go to work and come home. Not much beside that.”
“If someone from your past came to your door and knocked, would you invite them in and hang out?”
“Sure.” I really didn’t want to keep up this line of questioning.
“So you don’t reach out to reconnect?”
“Like all those social websites?” Wren interjected.
“No.”
Kay looked at Wren and shrugged. “Not much we can do then.”
“I want you to be brutally honest with me, both of you. After you leave here tonight, will you stay in touch out of pity, or not at all?” Anger was getting the best of me.
“Come on, Derrick. That’s not how you want to end this night. We’ll be there for you.” Wren locked eyes with me. “People don’t like to be guilted or manipulated into friendship.”
“She’s right. It has to come naturally. Things in common, similar interests, stuff like that.” Kay sipped her drink. “We’ll stay in touch.”
I don’t have much in common with most people. I write and really don’t want people to know what’s in my head. An arm’s length is as close as I really want people to get, or do I? What if I came out of my shell and suddenly let everyone know the real me? Is there really a difference? Maybe all writing is doing is blocking me from being myself.
People are paragraphs; they add to the word count. I listen intently not to get to know the person any deeper but to remember it all so I can write it down later. Am I even interesting, or is it the gathering of stories and the retelling of them that draws people closer—sitting around, rehashing the good old days, and embellishing them to make today seem pale to how it used to be? Doesn’t matter if Derrick Sadasky shows up, he’d be alone in the crowd anyway.
“That would be great,” I said, finishing my soda. Standing, I put on my coat and slung my bag over my shoulder. “Well, it was good seeing you both, but I think it’s best I get myself home at a decent time.”
“Really, I thought we were going to do something fun tonight?” Wren demanded.
“Yeah, I’m just not feeling it, sorry.” I walked a few steps away and waved. “Good-bye, ladies.” As I pushed the door open, the cool air hit me, and I felt a little better. My pity party was coming to an end, and I wanted to run back into the bar and beg forgiveness for being such a jerk. For some reason, that never happened as my legs propelled me toward my stop to go home.
I waited a longer-than-normal time to be picked up. It was standing-room only, something I tend to avoid. However, I really wanted to see the family. Holding on tightly to a metal pole in a crowd of strangers forced close gave me an opportunity to think. What if I moved away and started over? Would anyone bother to find me? What if I just disappeared?
When I arrived home, the kids were already in bed. My sister ran a tight ship, and for that I was glad tonight. She was sitting in front of the television, flipping through the channels. “You’re early. Didn’t you say you were hanging out?”
I flopped on the couch. “That was the plan.”
“So why are you here ruining my night alone?”
I laughed, rubbing my eyes. “It’s getting too hard.”
My sister turned everything off and turned toward me. “I’m listening.”
“By the time I get close to people, they are off to the next chapter in their lives.”
“And they leave you behind?” She knew me too well.
“Yes.”
“They never look back, do they?”
“No.”
“You want to stay connected to them, right?”
“Yes.”
“But you don’t know how to do that, correct?”
I sighed.
“Poor boy.” She ruffled my hair.
“Tell me what to do, please.”
“Think of someone you want to stay in contact with. What do you have in common with that person besides work?”
“I don’t know.”
She stood up. “How about I leave you alone for a minute while you figure it out?” After a few minutes, she returned with a bunch of snack options and drinks. “This might help.”
We opened a bunch of bags and poured a lot of sugary drinks. I felt much better and relaxed very deeply. “I have no friends.”
“Really? I don’t believe that. Maybe you mean that you just can’t pick your favorite.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I no longer cared and soon fell asleep.