“I don’t understand what you want me to do,” Alison said, trying to hold back her frustration.
“They thanked everyone on your team.” I looked around to make sure no one was listening.
“That’s all they know.”
“So you didn’t tell them about all the other people back in the office that break their backs to make all of you look good?”
She grabbed my hand like she was going to lead me up to the podium. “Let’s go correct my mistake,” she insisted.
I pulled back and stood my ground. “Come on, don’t do that.” I smiled at the few people passing by.
“Again, what do you want me to do? You don’t want me to get up there and thank everyone in the company, and you don’t want to let it go.” She stomped her foot. “Stop acting like a child.”
“I guess what I really want is for everyone to understand it is usually not the people getting the credit and the raises that are the ones who should get some sort of recognition.”
She laughed. “You are such a little boy.”
Patting my head really got me angry. “I want you, as the internal exec on the account, to understand just how much you need all the people in the office. You take a day off, and the world keeps spinning without so much as a hiccup. I take a day off, and the calls and e-mails never stop.” I put both of my hands on her shoulders. “See it from my perspective yet?”
She backed away and pointed at me. “Who do you think you are?” Pointing at the external exec for the account, she said, “See that guy?”
I nodded. “What about him?”
“He’s on the road three out of every four weeks, all year round. What, you put in an extra hour every once in a while, and you want everyone lined up, clapping and throwing money? You have no idea what it takes to run an account. We put in fourteen-hour days when we are on-site. There are multiple weeks a year that we do that. I take a day off, I get the same treatment you do. The difference is I don’t whine that someone didn’t thank me publicly.” She folded her arms and just watched me.
“Why don’t you tell me all the stuff you do—what you all do?”
“Because we know everyone else is doing the same.” She relaxed. “At least I hope so.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Do you still want me to make an addition for the whole company to hear? Most people do their jobs and couldn’t care less if someone tooted their horns at some party. Am I right?”
I looked around and felt so alone. Besides a few faces, the place was full of strangers. “You are always right,” I said quietly, giving her a brief hug.
“You haven’t been drinking, have you?” she asked, smelling my breath.
“Would that excuse my behavior?”
“No, but it might explain it. You get so worked up. It’s not good.”
I looked down and sighed. “I should go back to my table.”
She lifted my chin and fixed my hair. “We are on the same side.”
“I know. I guess I am a little more sensitive than usual.”
Pushing me toward my table, she added, “I’ll stop by after I deliver these guys to the hotel by the airport.”
By the time I got back to the table, it was nearly empty. “You and the lady friend doing okay?” Jimmy asked.
“Oh, yeah.” I filled my water glass and took a big gulp.
“Looked like you two were going at it.” Nell added.
“We were,” I admitted.
“Wrong again?” Nell asked.
I looked at her and raised my glass. “I’d have it no other way.”
Nell muttered something nasty and clinked my glass. “How are you getting home?”
“Rivi.”
“Oh, that’s what you were arguing about.” Nell smiled at Jimmy.
“She drove me here.”
“Alison told us to tell her as soon as we saw you arrive. You were a long time in the car after you parked.” Nell said, punching my shoulder.
“None of my life is private, is it?”
Jimmy shook his head. “You keeping up with your writing?”
“I’ve been stuck for quite a while. Just not feeling it. My journaling is all that I’ve been doing.”
“Dear diary,” Nell mocked pretending that she was writing. “That redhead was mean to me again.”
“Come on, Nell, that’s not cool,” Jimmy said, defending me.
“It’s not like that,” I said, but knew it kinda was. “It helps me deal with stuff.”
“So you get it all out on paper, and no one dies, right?” Nell continued.
“Right, that’s exactly how it works.” She had no idea how many times I’ve wanted to stop writing, not just in a journal but completely. When people know you write, they act differently, not wanting to be a part of the permanent record. Others tell me stuff on purpose, maybe hoping I’ll somehow incorporate it into a book about my life. My life, how uninteresting. “I’ve got to find Rivi,” I said, standing. “See you both later.”
“Are you ready to go?” Rivi asked as I approached her table. She was with the rest of the team who worked on the new account.
“If you are,” I said, shrugging.
She stood and said good-bye to everyone. “Sure, let’s go,” she said, jingling her car keys. When we were both in the car and ready to go, she looked at me. “I told her to include you and the others from Core Care.”
“What?” I asked like I had no idea about her comment.
“We reviewed the speech, and the exec wanted her to leave all that stuff out. He’s really a horrible jerk.” She sighed and started the car. “I just thought you should know that all of us on the team really appreciate the help you always give us.”
“Wow,” was all I could say as I looked out the window. “Why couldn’t she have told me that?”
“It’s a hard position to be in. You’re her boyfriend, but you’re also not on the same level in the org chart. Actually, are you a manager or what?”
I laughed. “Or what is definitely the right answer. I am always there for the company. I guess that’s all that counts in the end.”
“Was it better when the original owners were around?”
Looking back is always a tricky thing. You hardly ever remember the bad, often glorifying the times into an almost golden age, forgetting the growing pains. “The man from Nevada is great, but he has surrounded himself with a cluster of people who will never live up to Manor and Cedar.”
“We’re going through a bad time right now, aren’t we?”
“Definitely.”
“I don’t think I’m going to make it to the annual meeting,” she said, wiping away tears.
“Hey, why do you say that?”
“The members are terrible and curse me out on the phone. That exec always sides with them, and Alison ignores anything I tell her. I keep telling myself it will get better the longer I stay. Maybe once they see I’m committed to doing the job despite being surrounded by such bad working conditions, they will do something.” She sighed.
“You should never have to put up with poor behavior like that. Do you want me to do something?”
“Honestly, what can you do?”
“We could talk to HR.”
She laughed. “Thanks for that, but if I go and talk to her, it will be after I’ve given my notice.”
Over my time at this company, I’ve had this conversation so many times. Person is frustrated. I want to help. Person quits anyway. So many good people who could have turned the situation around but found that switching was better than fighting. Why did I struggle so much? It would have been so easy to just walk away from it all. Truth is I am too lazy to go through the process of finding something else. I fell backward into this job, so it shall be with the next.
“Is this something you’re going to do soon?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t updated my resume yet.”
“So that’s the first step?”
“Usually.”
“How long do you stay at most jobs?”
“Depends. I would say three to five years is the upper limit.”
“Really. I better sharpen my pencil then.”
She looked at me. “Seriously, how long are you going to stay?”
“I figured I would retire from the place. I made it through a change in ownership, good times, bad times, really bad times, and I’m still getting up every day. Everyone is different. I understand that.”
“You could see yourself working here for thirty to forty more years?”
I did the math. “That’s about right. Don’t look at the big number, look at it day by day. Our job runs in cycles. Forty times to do the same thing should be enough to make it easy. If you leave early, you’ll never get to the part where you are in control when the same task comes around next year. Yes, that many years is pretty daunting.”
“If you could do something completely different, would you take the opportunity?”
“There are times where I wished I could disappear and start over.”
“What would you do?”
“I’d like to write and speak, maybe teach, but not in a formal school setting.”
“Sounds like you’ve thought about it.”
I laughed. “Thought, yes, but that’s about as far as I’ve taken it. I have to admit, I am too scared to do more than that.”
“And here you’re telling me what to do.”
“Telling others what to do is easy,” I admitted.
“What would it take for you to move forward on your dreams?”
“I guess finishing something I’ve begun writing would help.”
“What’s stopping you?”
I thought about the question and decided that I really didn’t want to keep talking about myself. “Nothing.”
“Good, then you simply need someone to keep you accountable. Is Alison the right person?”
I stifled a laugh. “No.”
“All right, who would keep you moving forward and provide a gentle nudge when needed?”
“The only person I can think of is my sister. Wow, that’s horrible.” I sighed. “She definitely helps me on so many levels. How did this whole conversation turn in this direction?”
“You’re not the only person that likes helping others.”
I smiled and found her even more endearing. “What would you do?”
“Go back to school.”
“More education is going to help?”
“For what I want to do.”
“And that is?”
“Teaching or counseling.”
“So we have more in common than I thought.”
“Get out of this place and pursue your true passion.”
I looked out the window and knew she was right. “Easier said than done.”
“Hey, I’m going to do it.”
“September?”
“I’ll probably be gone before then, give myself the summer to prepare.”
“You’re a lot further along then just thinking about quitting.” She nodded. “How far along are you in your book?”
“It’s outlined, and I’ve written the first half.”
“Can I read it?”
“What?”
“Books are written to be read.”
I tapped nervously on my leg. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”
“I’ll make you a deal. Let me read it, and I’ll give you feedback.”
“What kind of deal is that?”
She laughed. “You want me to pay you half the cost of a paperback?”
“Paperback? Try hardback.”
“Ambitious all of a sudden? What’s it going to take to read what you’ve written so far?”
I thought about it. No one ever showed a real interest before. “You’ll keep it to yourself?”
“For my eyes only.”
“Fine, I’ll edit it one last time and then print it out for you to look at it. This feels good but scary at the same time. Thank you.”
The rest of the car ride was spent talking about our hopes and dreams that were dying on the vine as long as we continued working at the company. She was much more sold that leaving was necessary; however, I still felt like there was more to do and was not ready to make any moves. After saying good-bye to Rivi, I bolted into the house and went right to my room. I pulled out a box from under the bed and sat organizing my notes on my book. I had not touched this project in a long time and wondered why I ever stopped.
“What are you doing?” my sister asked, peeking her head in my room.
“Getting back on track with my writing.”
“You’re still journaling, right?”
“That’s different. This is a book. I’m going to need your help to get it finished.”
She sat next to me. “Sure. You want me to proof it or something?”
“I’m not ready for that. I want you to make sure I keep excited about it. Encourage me, stuff like that.”
“You sure you want me to do that?”
I looked at her and then the box. “Don’t be mean or anything like that. Help me stay positive.”
“Positive?”
I stood up. “You’ll know what to do, I’m sure.”
She stood up and hugged me. “It’s good to see you smiling again. Keep it up.” She walked to the door and turned. “How was that?”
I smiled widely. “Perfect.”
“I look forward to seeing what you can get done while you’re on vacation.”
“I almost forgot about that. It’ll be a good time to get back into the flow again.”
“I hate to ask this, but what kicked you in the pants tonight to get this out?” she asked, pointing at the box.
“I had a really good conversation on the way home from the work party tonight.”
“Good to know Alison is encouraging you to write again.”
“She was too busy with her association bigwigs. I was with Rivi.”
“Rivi?”
“She works with Alison on that new client.”
“Oh, I hadn’t heard that name before.”
“She’s quitting soon, but don’t tell Alison.”
“Okay, I won’t.”
“Alison’s supposed to be stopping over after dropping off a bunch of guys.” I gathered all my writing stuff and shoved it in the box. “I want to talk to her about this too.”
My sister stopped me. “May I make a suggestion?”
“Sure, what’s your idea?”
“You are on cloud nine right now.”
“You’ve got that right.”
“What if she isn’t as excited about this as you are?”
I looked at the box. “What are you saying?”
“That box has been under your bed a very long time. Something big happened tonight for you to consider writing again. Do not let anyone or anything extinguish that little spark.”
“Okay,” was all I could say, hugging the box close.
There was a knock, and I heard the front door open. “Derrick? Polly? Anyone home?” Alison called.